I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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