Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
