he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
