We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
