dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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