I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
