i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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