i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
