I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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