he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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