bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
