if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
