someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
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