Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
