Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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