I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
