Don't make out with my wife yet
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
