Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
