whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
