Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
