All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
