I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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