Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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