You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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