I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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