Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
