You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
