I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
