My sheets look like a crime scene.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
