At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
