went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
