Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
