youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
