i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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