dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
