my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
