I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize