Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
