32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
