I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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