she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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