I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
