i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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