Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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