apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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