I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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