woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
