You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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