there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
