I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
