As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
