i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You can't just leave with hair like that
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
