I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
