I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize