Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
