Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Randomize
