??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
