i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
