My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize