I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
