1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
