How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
