I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
