Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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