My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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