i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
