Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
